I have struggled with depression most of my adult life. The first major episode was after I had my son, I was 20 years old. I didn’t realize what exactly was going on. I had no energy at all. I didn’t want to get dressed, or bathe, or eat, or even go anywhere. I remember using all my energy I had to take care of my son. I went to the dr and got a diagnosis and began medication.
I am thankful that I have times where I don’t feel depressed. I never feel that I am 100 percent normal though. I feel like my brain is broken. I am over sensitive to how people feel. I am exhausted because I worry about everything. Constantly trying to please everyone has really taken a tole.
I am 50 years old now, and I am just tired. Tired of pushing people away. Tired of being so exhausted I don’t want to get up. Tired of people saying they are friends, but they aren’t. Tired of living in a world where I feel useless and unimportant. What exactly is the purpose of it all?
Am I surrounding by sucky people, or is my perception of life wrong? Are my thought clouded by depression? Will the sun ever shine again for me?
I am on my medication, but I am researching shock therapy. I know it sounds horendous! In fact, I have always had nightmares at the thought, but from what I have read, it is a very safe option to long term depression.
I may not have the heart to follow through with it, but at least I can think about it right? It gives that monster in my head something to dwell on besides life.