Feelings, Friends & Family, Random Thoughts

Stages of Grief

 

Sunday, November 19th, my daddy died.  He had been battling Alzheimer’s and dementia and finally his body shut down.  His last breath was at 8:15 in the morning.

We were kind of estranged.  Since my mother died about 12 years ago, my daddy really hadn’t had much to do with me or my family.  He met another woman very soon after mamma died, and it was kind of like he just adopted her family and threw me away.  I desperately tried to maintain contact and invited him to family gatherings.  He and his new wife came to a few, but honestly it was never the same.

I think grief begins way before the death of someone. Grief for me began while he was alive.  I had to accept that he had moved on.  He took on more children and grandchildren, and although I was a daughter; he didn’t acknowledge it.

I was invited two times to his home for family celebrations.  Once was Christmas and the last was for his 79th birthday.  I am grateful for these memories. I am thankful I have pictures and can remember him singing, playing his guitar, laughing, and even dancing.  I will always cherish those times with him.

I guess since I already accepted the fact of him excluding me, I have gone through many of the stages already.  I haven’t cried yet to learn of his passing.  I have been angry at how I have been excluded from his funeral and arrangements.  My step mother didn’t tell me he had passed. She hasn’t told us the funeral arrangements.  She has not included in the process at all.  I haven’t felt welcome to gather at my family home to say goodbye to my daddy in a proper way.  But to be honest, what has changed?  Nothing at all.  My daddy did away with me a long time ago.  In his death, it is no different.  The exception is that I struggle with feeling like I need to go to the funeral, but I have no desire.  I don’t need this process to say goodbye, because I have said my goodbyes many times in the last few years.

So, farewell daddy.  I hope you are somewhere better.  I hope you aren’t suffering anymore.  I hope you know I always loved you.  I will miss you.  I have missed you.  I feel like our time was cut short a very long time ago.  The worse part, is you cut is short.

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